A black cloud

I feel like there is a black cloud hovering over me... I have felt it for a few days now and for once it's not because of my dreary location...it's due to loss...the kind of loss that has no words, no way of fully being able to describe it, no real relm of comprehension that life is changing and we can't go back...

I'll warn you now, and apologize for rambling... I just need to get this out in hopes of healing...

We take it for granted when we are kids. We get used to being able to count on certain things and don't realize that we are making memories that will stay with us forever...they help to shape us and give us a sense of belonging. I've been thinking a lot lately about what has shaped me as a person. The little things, events and people that have helped to make me who I am today. My very earliest memories are with my Gram and her sisters.... I look back now and I realize how lucky I was to get to spend time with these great ladies.

My Gram is the baby of two brothers and three sisters. I never got to meet one her brothers and the other one lived away, but those three sisters are so much of a part of my growing up and the memories that have been filling my mind these last few days....they are woven into my very being and the memories are so vivid....lunches out with them and my Great Papa Harry, visits to their houses (two of them being basically on the same street as us) and one amazing car ride to Florida for a trip to Disney..... gosh those ladies had some patience! lol

As an adult, I now realize how lucky I was to have such a sunny childhood, surrounded by people who loved me. I know it couldn't have been easy to have a toddler always in tow and I know they probably dreaded it at some point, just out of human nature, but I never felt it... I just always felt safe and loved and included....I have memories of all four sisters gathered around the table in a restaurant near a buffet... they were all cackling (I mean this in the nicest way) and eating and all was right with the world... that's how memories work as a child... you don't realize that they were probably frustrated with the day-to-day life like we are today, you just remember the good.... the smiles, the laughing, and the way they made you feel.

My Gram lost one of her sisters years ago, and Aunt Bern has been so missed...I remember thinking that I couldn't imagine life without her in it too... but new memories have been made with the remaining two sisters.... I long sinced moved away but those lunches I had with them still stick in my mind with such love... as do the lunches and visits we have when I return....

I am preparing to take my girls back for a visit for the first time since my gram has had her strokes and the dementia has taken so much of her... and those lunches are the a thing of the past now.... and would be lacking so much....a few days ago, my world lost another one of those treasured woman and my Gram lost another sister....

My Aunt Joy passed away at the age of 85.  Just saying that seems impossible. I can't seem to believe it. She's just gone and I keep waiting to wake up and have it not true...

Aunt Sis, Gram, Aunt Joy

This cloud just keeps hovering and I just keep praying for peace, glad that she's not hurting and never had to suffer. I know its being selfish to be so sad but I just can't fathom her not being there.... and I hope she knew how much I loved her... I love her... In the words of my seven year old after telling her about Aunt Joy.... " Ah... I miss her already"

If you are still reading this, I thank you for being there.... I just needed to get that all out and have a good cry... thanks for listening...