Something's missing

How is it that a little dog, that I'd never guess I'd love, could take over our lives, hearts and home? It makes me smile when I think about her, more happy than sad...There is an unspoken feeling in our house today. Jason has given me more hugs than even usual and I find myself telling the girls I love them even more than usual too...like somehow that will make the hurt and longing go away. Last night, after they picked her up, my wonderful hubby even drove across town to get my favorite pizza. I feel this loss, but at the same time a sense of happy. Happy that she was so excited to see her owner, Happy that he seemed so sincere and Happy at the thought of a puppy that he promised us....I feel like we did a good thing taking care of her. She was brighter than anything I could have hope for coming back from vacation to a place we were far from excited to return. For three weeks, I was focused on happy things and not wallowing in the sad...that's how I want to continue my days...She gave us so much....

A moment of calm

I know you'll all be wondering and for the time being I am having a moment of calm and optimism...

I got a phone call last night from the owner of Remi (Ragamuffin) asking if he could come get her. It seems he had asked his sister (our neighbor) to come and get her a week and a half or so ago and he just found out last night that she hadn't. He went on to apologize and offer us a puppy for free if she has one. He explained that his family has been in housing limbo while his son has been in the hospital. The little boy was born with only half a heart so they have been in Ft Worth with him...he seemed genuinely sorry for us having her this long and was nice enough to let us keep her until this evening. Jason wasn't home last night, he had class, and I wanted him to be here for the girls sake (and mine)so he's coming this evening to get her. I still feel numb/sick and it was so hard to explain it to Janie. It's funny tho, while I was talking to her and trying to explain that we did a good thing taking care of her when she needed it and that sometimes we have to do things just because they are right and not because we are going to get anything out of it- giving her the pep talk I was giving myself one too.

Let night I was not in the frame of mind to look on the bright side, or to have faith that this all happened for a reason, I just needed to sulk and cry. Jason came home and I had to go over it all with him too and we talked it all out and all the reasons that this happened to us and to her. This morning I am feeling a little bit better about it and I'm trying to keep the faith that God knows why this happened and that it's always easy to have faith when things are going good. I am trying very hard to have faith when I don't understand why. God always knows the bigger picture and his plans for us are always bigger and greater than anything we can imagine....I kind of think that maybe we had to love her so we could be open to another little dog that needs us. I would have never even looked let alone considered a little dog. To be honest I wasn't even looking at anything that wasn't a yellow lab. I have felt this void and empty spot in our house since Koda's passing and I couldn't see that maybe that empty spot could be filled by someone smaller...Maybe God knows there is a dog out there that will need us and we would have missed out on it because I had blinders on. Or maybe, this is one of those things that just happens and we have to take it at face value- we had three great weeks with a loving dog that needed love...

The saga continues

I have decided that holding ones breath only gives you a headache and in our case heartache too... I'm sorry but I just don't have the words or energy to explain it all but please send extra prayers...we are all going to have a pretty crappy day...We knew this could happen...I promise to explain when I can breath deeply again...

Holding our breath

It seems like our "Saga of Remi" may be coming to an end. I've been trying to cover my bases and have talked to everyone I know to possibly call. Last Wednesday I called both the Humane Society and Animal Control and they both said that basically she is ours. When I asked Animal Control what the time line was for an animal becoming officially a stray and she said that the moment she stepped off the neighbors property without tags and we felt that she needed cared for! The only catch would be if they called the cops and accused us of stealing her! (Can you imagine!?)
SO... this morning I called the police department, no they didn't even laugh at me, and asked them for their advice too. The woman at the front desk told me that after contacting them about "their" dog twice, I didn't need to try again and should just consider her ours! She said to document everything (thankyou blogging) and asked if I took pictures (laugh!). She said that she didn't see how they would ever come back and try to take her and if they did then we had more than enough to prove neglect! I am just beside myself and don't feel like it's even real but still feel a lightness in my step and attitude today. It's a dark, rainy and gloomy day but it's the best I've felt in such a long time!
I've gotten laundry done, dishes, vaccuuming, rearranged the livingroom yet again and quite a bit of sewing done in the short time I've gotten to work on it! I feel so accomplished and look at the world in a better light....I am just so glad we get to make her life better because I already know she's making ours better too!

Mixin' things up

I've been meaning to blog about this since we were in Montana and just haven't gotten around to it....Jason's dad came in from the garage and set this on the table asking if I wanted Grandma's mixer (his mom). I instantly got a big lump in my throat and tears in my eyes...I feel so honored that he would give it to me and SO excited to have a mixer!! It looks so cool in my new kitchen!

I know I could go out and buy some fancy new mixer but sometimes I don't always think new is better. I love the fact that everytime I use this I will have a constant reminder of an amazing lady...we all miss her so much!

In the making...

I'm trying to start early so I *might* actually get things done on time! This is the cat I am making for Rori for valentine's day. I am using fabric scraps that people give me. It feels good to give would be garbage a new life! I still need to get Janie's done..ooh I can't wait to give these kitties to them! I've really enjoyed making them and might start making them to sell too. We'll see if there's any interest! for now, I am just loving that sweet face!

Living in the moment

I know it's been a few days since I wrote...we still don't know anything about Remi. That's what we decided to name her. I'm just tired of calling her "little dog". We've had no contact with the neighbors, she's been here for two weeks on Friday. I can't believe they aren't missing her! She's such a joy! I feel like we're in such limbo and I really don't know what to do! I just keep hoping that something will just work it's way out...Any advice?

I've got pretty much everything worked out in my mind if they ever say we can have her....first a trip to Micheals to get her a new basket that fits her better and then to the pet store for another little sweater (they are dirt cheap on the clearence right now! lol)...then on to the vets for shots etc (I figure that would probably take a day or so to get an appointment) and last but not least...the groomers...oh how I want to take her to get beautified! Her insides are already so beautiful, I just want her outsides to match!

An open window...

I said I wasn't going to write a blog today. I was going to remain silent instead of taking a chance coming across as a sore loser but I just can't. I want to give others in my position a thought for today...it's no real secret that today is not how I had hoped it would end up. In my mind, it would have been a different candidate up on that stage taking an oath, but it's not and we all have to move on. Now is not the time to focus on what might have been but rather a day to witness a grand moment in history and to rally behind our new commander and chief. I am so proud to be an American and to live in a world where hate has turned into love and tolerence, a place where we can embrace our differences. Politics aside, today is a bright day in our country's history and I feel as tho we should all embrace this season of change and make the best of every gift we are given. We have a right to vote and the American people have voted.... I believe in the electorial process and that doesn't mean I believe it in only when it's going my way. America is blessed in so many ways and only God knows what our outcome will be. We have to trust that He will have his hand in this new chapter too...
I've heard it said that God never closes a door without opening a window...I'm trying to look at today not on a sad note but rather like a window open on a warm spring day...full of opportunity!

Didn't have the heart

I know a few of you are probably wondering how things are going with our visitor and it's been a few days since I wrote an update. I just didn't have the heart to put it in print...somehow that makes things manifest themselves to be true and I'm still just not quite ready to give up hope...

We finally got to talk to the neighbor and breifly to her brother who "owns" the dog. He said that he paid $350 for her and has papers on her...he bought her to breed! Ya know how sometimes you meet someone and think "This person should never have children"? Well, I think that some people should never be allowed to have pets let alone breed animals!!! I just don't get it! Why would a person spend that much on a dog and then not take care of it?! He said that if he gave her away his wife would be upset with him (has she seen the shape of this dog!?#@!?) but that he'd bring us a puppy if she's pregnant! Can you imagine!? She's been running for who knows how long and if she is pregnant there would be no way of knowing what kind/s of dog the father was!!!!!! The guy was trying to get all the dogs out of our yard while standing on the other side of the fence so we never even saw his face but when Stephanie (our neighbor) told him that we'd been taking care of Rag-a-muffin (the dog) he said thanks and that it was fine that she just stay over here....What kind of dog owner/breeder (haha) could knowingly let their dog be cared for by a complete stranger!!!!! So, as things stand right now she is still in our house and has been exclusively since last Saturday. The owner is supposed to be leaving our neighbor's house in the next few days (as of two days ago) but we haven't heard a peep from them still! I am just sick and the girls are heart broken....but still a little part of me still has hope. She is inside all the time now...if I let her out she goes straight out to the bathroom and comes back moments later scratching at the door...and it's too stinkin' cold to let her stay outside all the time...I just don't understand some people...

I've been trying to put into words why I am drawn to this little mess of fur and even now I'm not sure that I even totally understand it. I've been doing a lot of soul searching these days as to how I can improve our home and my outlook on life in general and I guess you could say I had an ah-ha moment (as Oprah says) while watching Oprah today. I can't even remember anything that was said in particular but they were talking about spritual things and how we can absorb more of what is good when we are quiet and look forward instead of looking back.....I guess it hit a nerve with me. Since this dog showed up, I've only been thinking about the life we could give her, not the parts of our life that are missing (Alaska). I was listening to the show and had a light go off that I think I've been looking at this little dog and feeling true hope...not a hope that I tell myself to feel , but genuine hope....at that moment I looked down and she was sitting at my feet intently watching me put dishes away and her little face lit up when we made eye contact...she felt it too...

With every day that passes I get a little more hopeful. She's still here, maybe they will change their minds, and if not- they'll have to come to my front door and watch the girls say goodbye...

She looks like I feel most of the time and I want us both to feel and look better...if only we can hold onto the hope...please keep sending prayers out...my faith is in Him.

Baby steps

I know that pictures won't do her justice but she is looking so much better! There are some nasty knots at the opening of her ears that I just haven't been ready to tackle. Her ears are so thin I don't want to clip the wrong thing! After that is taken care of she will be knot free and I think her over all appearance will be even better! That and we didnt' have a brush for a small dog, we got one now and it is helping too!

When I was done clipping off all the matted fur, it looked like we had a fur dog rug on the patio! How gross! I was able to fill a gallon ziplock bag with her fur! It's such a shame that the fur is so nasty- I can see how dog fur could make great felt and yarn. From the underside of the matted hair it was really pretty and soft! lol

We still haven't heard a word from the neighbors, even tho she's pretty much been here for three days. She'll go over there occasionally but always comes right back over. I have a towel made into a bed for her out there on the porch but it's been too stinkin' cold for her to sleep outside....even Jason has let her in the house when I wasn't looking...Please send extra prayers out to her owners that they let her stay....she's already working her way into our hearts....

What a difference a day makes...

After the entire family sat on the back porch shivering in the cold and bundled in sweaters this morning with the dog, Jason quietly snuck back into the house and said he'd be back. He was going to the neighbors to talk to them. Even at the time, his silence said so much. I could tell that this man of steel had been touched by this little life...

The owner wasn't home but her live-in mother was. She acted as if she were afraid he was there to turn them in for having dogs (we don't think they are allowed to). Jason assured her that he didn't care and tried to stress that we rather enjoyed having the little one over and that our girls had grown fond of her. She said that they were only taking care of the dogs for a short time for someone that was ill and the dogs were just too much. Jason offered that if they couldn't handle all the dogs that we'd be happy to take the little one in and of course she was shocked. But that was all that was said. Jason asked her if she'd mind if we cleaned her up and she said that what ever was fine....so....we began the ultimate doggy make-over...

The parts I am holding up are her ears, the rest is matted up fur, poor thing!

The unexpected

For months now, we have been discussing the idea of getting another dog. I am just lost without Koda and have felt like something is missing no matter how much I adore Karma. We've called on a few dogs but nothing has worked out and we've been so on the fence that we've pretty much tabled the idea. I just keep praying that if we are meant to have another dog that it will work out and that it will in some way find us...That's what made yesterday so hard...

I started out the day like any other...trying to figure out what to do and just how much I could get accomplished. I had started taking down the decorations and was going out to the barn to dig out more boxes so I could tackle the tree....that's when I saw the neighbors' big white dog in our yard barking at me and nearby was another little dog, so nasty and grudgy that I couldn't tell what it was! I yelled at the big one to go home and it finally retreated under the fence through the hole it had dug but the little one lagged behind. I called it over and was so horrified by the shape she was in that I feared she only had one eye because of the way the matting had covered her face. I couldn't see but only one eye, not even her nose or her mouth but she quickly came over to me and within seconds was laying belly up at my feet. It makes me want to cry at the thought of a dog being that neglected...She looks like she has 4+ ears because of the big matts of fur sticking of the top of her head. She could easily have 8 legs for the extra knots she has hanging next to each leg and it almost looks as if she has an extra limb protruding from her side only once again, it's just fur. She has the sweetest little spirit and lights up (as much as she can in her state) when the girls even look in her direction...

I talked to the son thru the fence later in the day and was asking if her got a new dog. I had been seeing the big white one in our yard for some time now but the little one had only been showing up since we'd returned from our trip. He said that the big dog (Peek-a-boo) was his uncles dog and that the little one was his grandma's. So, now we knew she is theirs...and I'm so sick to know that I don't have the right to clean her up (which would take ALOT!) and bring her in to love her. She did finally go back over there around dinner time after spending the entire day at our house.

THEN, this morning we wake up to find THREE dogs in our yard! The original two and another one. This one isn't in nearly as bad of shape but could definately use a bath too! lol It also has a collar on, which the other little one did not. So maybe this dog is the grandma's and not "Licker" as Janie has taken to calling her? As you know, I am all for animal rights and in a group or on paper I would fight to the death but as one person and a neighbor I don't know very well at all I feel helpless....I was up half the night worrying about her out in the wind and the cold and I want so badly to just bring her in and clean her up. Please say a little prayer for this pup and us too that we have the strength to know what to do... :)

Am I the only one?

Am I the only one that dreads taking down the tree? I'm not talking about the chore of actually taking it down (that will catch up to me later) but rather the abrupt halt to the the warm and cozy feeling that the green branches and lights make in my house making it all seem less *blah*....I told myself that after vacation I was going to stay in denial and keep up all the decor as long as I could. Heck, I even put out some of our new stuff that I got on sale the day after Christmas! lol I was doing good, held up in the house for days after we got home without leaving the house. I was able to still pretend that it is cold and dreary out and that the winter season wasn't over. That is until yesterday! The girls and I went outside to hang laundry in the sun and it was a blamy 74 degrees! How can I feel warm and cozy inside when it's so nice and spring like outside?! So, the tree is coming down and with it the lights that I so love getting up to every morning. I think I'll stay in denial a bit longe tho and leave my garland out on the mantle...maybe if I add some red to it I can stretch it out till Valentine's....Ü

A little girl bed

I know I should be happy that she's moving on to the next stage in her life, it shouldn't make me cry to see her crawling into her toddler bed...but it does....We hadn't planned on dismantling her crib last night but knew that day would be coming sometime soon. She climbed out of her crib and was sitting in a little chair on the floor when I found her. I was so scared she was hurt but in just a minute or two she was laughing it up with Daddy about crawling out of the crib! lol So...at 10:30 on a Monday night, she moved on to her "little girl bed" as we called it. I pulled out the princess quilt I bought months ago for just such an occasion and we tucked her into her "new" bed (her crib with one side removed). She was smiling as I took the pictures, just soaking up all the attention but was not at all happy when the lights went out and Daddy said goodnight! Needless to say, it was a long night with little sleep and I woke up to find her sleeping on the floor next to sister's bed in the morning! Where does the time go?

What movies are made of...

Our last night in Montana could easily have been the perfect ending to a Family channel Christmas movie. Our entire time there we had snow on the ground but it had just been too cold to be out playing in it. Out of all the things we talk about missing most about Alaska, mountains and snow top the list. My biggest hope for this trip north was that the girls would see and play in the snow and our time was dwindling fast!

Jason and I had gone into town for one last stop at a few of our most missed stores. Just as we were leaving Big Bear, I started to see flakes falling ever so sparsely. Now, I know I shouldn't have been wishing for snow (considering the long trip we had ahead of us the next day) but secretly I really was hoping for one more chance to bundle the girls up in our borrowed snow gear!

By the time we got home, the flakes were falling with more consistently and by the time the girls got up from their naps it was looking like we were in a snow globe! I know for most people this entry probably seems a bit of an over-kill about something simple like snow but for me it was a snapshot in my memory that I will never forget...a healing of sorts. Living in Texas and having our hearts still in Alaska leaves me feeling like our girls are being cheated. J has seen the snow for sure but R hasn't and knows nothing of our life before her. (I know that sounds a bit crazy, life goes on...but we want it to go on in Alaska, and for the girls to grow up experiencing a culture we loved so much- not spending years in nowhere Texas! lol)

The girls don't know the dread of having to bundle up for the cold weather. For them if was all fun and games. It was a flurry of mittens and hats, snow boots and pants. They were so impatient to get out in the white fluffy unknown.

When we left Alaska I couldn't part with this little blue molded baby sled. I knew we weren't going to have a use for it in Texas but there were just so many memories and I wasn't ready to let go of it yet. I figured we were pushing the limits of even being able to use it before she'd be too big. As it worked out- it fit her perfectly and her squeals of delight as Daddy pulled her thru the yard was priceless!

I feel like that snow was such a gift and a closure I desperately needed. It was just a walk around the block in the snow but I know that I will be rewinding that night in my mind for many hot Texas days to come....