Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Salmon Tears

Have I really resorted to this? Walking through the grocery store with tears in my eyes just ready to over flow? How lame is this!?!

It all started when the girls and I went on the quest to find acini de pepe pasta for our Sweet and Sour Maggot Salad that we are taking to a Halloween party tomorrow. After trying both the commissary and Albertson's we headed across town to Market Street. We walked in like any other shoppers, got a cart and headed towards the natural section of lotions, medicines etc. That smell hit me and I got a lump in my throat...now you are probably thinking I am crazy (I know Jason's aunt did when I mentioned something like this in Whole Foods one time) but there is this distinct smell that only a health food store has. I wish I knew what it was so I could bottle it! Is it something in particular or is it a combination of a lot of things mixed together? Nevertheless, that smell is what took me back to Alaska in my mind. Flashes of pictures were going thru my head...Natural Pantry, Carrs...Fred Meyers...Saturday market, Mountain Mary's....ahh.... (Yes I know that at least one person reading this thinks I am crazy, another probably is laughing and if I am lucky maybe someone can relate) Is there anyone that knows what this smell is and how I can get some to bring home!? :)

After FINALLY finding the pasta, and another variation of my chai tea "(heaven forbid they keep the same brand in stock!) we headed to the torture zone otherwise known as the fish counter. The girls and I stood there ooo-ing and ah-ing over all the sights we saw. J loved the crablegs (although she won't eat them) and R was tremendously interested in the clams...I however was scanning the beautiful selection of fish for little signs that read "Wild Caught, Product of the USA and (my favorite) Alaskan!" They had puny looking halibut on sale for $14 lb and some very pretty salmon (farm raised and color added !#%+~!) but what really jumped out to me was the Alaskan wild caught Cod on sale for $3.99lb! Now I know that this fish doesn't measure up to real Alaskan fish in any way shape or form but here in Texas I have to be happy with what I can get! So, we bought enough for dinner and went off to find something to compliment it. I even broke down and bought the little package of Cajun Salmon Spread "(color added-what a crock!) to complete the Alaskan themed meal! We were walking thru all the beautiful colors of apples and their nice (at least for Texas standards) selection of organic veggies, when THEY started....the tears just came on me without warning. I promise that I wasn't wallowing in the state we are in...those days of truly hating everything associate with Texas are few and far between now and even as I stood crying in a supermarket I wasn't thinking about hate or disgust but just about how much I truly want to go home...

I think my yearning for home (AKA Alaska) gets worse this time of year because I know that the seasons are changing there and that it is so vastly different than here. I think of all the comforts that I can't have...like waking up to the silent wonder of a first snowfall, wool sweaters to cut out the wind and the festivals and bazaars that are soon to follow. And I know that in less than a year, I am going to have to leave even here, a place I have hated so much but have grown to be content, and start all over....again...

My question to whom ever may be reading this is....Are you ever really happy and in love with where you are? Having traveled around all my life, I don't know what its like to grow up in the house my parents brought me home to, graduate with the friends I went to high school with or even get job in the town I went to college...I have lots of places I have lived but only one that was really truly home. I am lucky for that I know but still heartbroken at the loss.

Sometimes I feel like Susan, Lucy, Edmond and Peter the very first time they stepped thru the wardrobe and into Narnia. There is a beauty that can't be described. Alaska is my Narnia. I have seen Eden in the water, mountains and trees of Alaska but I still wonder if it was real or just a dream...

This was the view from our deck...it's what I think of every time we watch Narnia!


the hermits on the hill said...

Is the tree you carved your names on our property there? I'd never seen that before but have a vague memory of you telling me about it.
Ya I think probably alot of people are truly happy where they are. Of course some of that might be cause they just don't know anything else. We've been given such a gift in getting to see the diversities in God's creations & geography and then getting to choose where to settle...even if we have to temporarily be somewhere else. And in the big scheme of things, it's only a moment, it's not the rest of your life. We just have to enjoy where we are while we are here. I know easier said than done...Hey we're living it too! Ü

Robin said...

The saying is true: Home is where your heart is. Your heart is in AK and that's that.
I used to think that Cali was home - and it is but only b/c my folks are there. When I go back I realize it's not where I want to be {being as I'll never be able to afford a home on the beach! lol} so when we get my folks here... MO will be 'home'. But is there another place I could love? Probably. There are many things I don't like about MO. So you are fortunate to have some place you love even tho' it's not the time for you to be there physically.
Alaska will be there when your time comes to return. :)

Anonymous said...

I stumbled upon your blog and love it! I know exactly how you feel about being away from Alaska, it is more like leaving a family member behind rather than just a location. I grew up in the Lake Clark National Park at my family's fishing lodge, when I was 9 or 10 we moved to Hawaii for "real" schooling as my mother had always home schooled us in the bush. She promised my brother he could go to school with other children starting in 9th grade so off we went. We bought our house in Hawaii and that was now all of the sudden our new home. We only came back to Alaska for the summers to work at our fishing lodge. Although Hawaii gave me many experiences I would never give up for anything, it never felt like home to me. I couldn't wait to move back to Alaska. As soon as I graduated from High School it wasn't but a few months later that I was driving up the Alcan. That was thirteen years ago and sometimes when it is cold and dark out I threaten to leave this place forever, but deep down I am scared that I would regret it forever.
I am sure you will make it home soon enough, until then make as many wonderful memories as you can so you will have many stories to tell when you get back!