Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Today is the day!

I don't know if anyone has even really noticed or not but I've been basically MIA from my blog for some time now. I feel like I have fallen into this rut and just can't get out.... so today is the day that I am going to dig myself out! I don't want to start another month feeling this way and hate the feeling that the longer I don't blog, the closer I am to never blogging... does that even make any sense? I have had so many ideas of things to write about, and have been writing little blog entries in my mind as things happen but I'm just so behind on here that I don't know where to start! I don't even know if anyone really reads my ramblings anymore but I feel the need to explain myself just the same....

I spent 3+ years absolutely hating TX... I hated the heat, I hated the constant sunshine, I hated that I had left my beloved Alaska and so many friends that had become like family.... and then the last 9-12 months or so, that all changed. I found a community of friends that became our family too and that last summer I didn't even seem to mind the heat so much...I surprised even myself when I was actually sad to leave... its funny how that happens. You'd think I'd be used to this nomad lifestyle. It's all I've ever known really and the thought of living permanently in one place terrifies me but at the same time is looking a bit better these days.  After 4 years of being in the south, I just thought going north would make everything better! We'd have mountains, and cooler weather and things would just work out... right?

Well, we've made it thru our first winter... a very dark.... very wet and dreary winter... and the sun is starting to shine again.... in tiny increments lol. I now understand why bears hibernate... it would be so nice to just sleep through all this gloom and wake up to a nice spring day! :) I know that moving is hard, and that it takes time to feel like you belong somewhere. I can give myself all the peptalks in the world and actually start believing it.... and then remember that we just haven't made those connections that I thought we would, and that we still haven't found a homeschool community like I had hoped and that I miss my TX friends desperately...

I feel like I am going thru the motions... we love where we live (in location) and love the experiences that we are creating for our girls. I finally feel like we are making a difference in what we are learning ourselves and teaching them too. And we are meeting people, some of which I really do like! :) It just takes time to build those bonds and memories ya know? I am starting to feel like I am coming out of my haze in baby steps but still have days that I just feel really isolated...

Another bump in our broken road hit about a month ago now. I was just calling for my morning chat with my gram ( who "I am really close with) when my mom answered the phone. It's not a totally new thing for her to answer as she is there often taking care of bills and groceries etc but I knew from the sound in her voice that this was not a normal day...Gram wasn't doing well and they were taking her to the hospital...they didn't know much more than that and I swear that was the longest day ever!! To make a long story short, she had a heart attack and multiple mini strokes...and more over her dementia is worse....so much so that she is still in rehab and I've only talked to her twice. It breaks my heart that I'm not there to help but at this point I would just be in the way and a trip across the country is a bit much for now.

So, I went from feeling really isolated to feeling more like a hermit! lol  Instead of feeling alone with at least my mom and gram to talk to I spend my days with just hte girls and our ever growing collection of poultry! :) We just got back from getting groceries and I realized that it was the first in a week that we'd left the house! lol I know to some that sounds like heaven but right now I'm just wanting more....

So.... todays the day.... no more complaining, no more excuses and no more feeling sorry for myself....I will get my house in order (good thing too since company is coming soon!),  we will enjoy every little bit of sunshine and nice weather Mother Nature sends our way and I will start blogging more. We really do have a lot of good to share!! So please forgive my abscence, and if you are still reading this incredibly long rant, I thankyou for listening...most days a good chat with a friend is all I really need to feel better....

Next time we chat I'll have more uplifting things to share, I promise! :)

2 comments:

Alisha Jaybird said...

So sorry to hear your month has been crappy. And my heart goes out to you about your grandma. Mine also has dementia and had to be moved into assisted living about 3 years ago. It was something I would NEVER want to do again... the intervention part. I totally feel your pain. Hoping sunshine and smiles head your way soon. I'll send you some heat because we have puh-lenty! Already over 100 in Tejas. Ugh. Not good.

The Barefoot Crofter said...

Oh dear - I know about dementia, we lost my mother to it last year, just as we moved to our croft. i so understand all those feelings you are having, but i think you know it will get better with time. xx